Preface

A lot of people want absolute and unchanging extremes. If something was once up, people never want it to be level or down; if something was once hard they never want it to be neutral or soft; if something was once white, they never want it to be gray or black; if you were once LDS they never want you to be agnostic or be a part of another religion. This desire for absolute unchanging consistency often leads to people who do change, intentionally or unintentionally, being forced into isolation. This social isolation is a harrowing experience for those who endure it.

I am of the opinion that human nature is to be constantly changing and growing. I am not the same person I was a day, week, year, or decade ago, because I have grown and changed since then. True friends and family encourage you to continue to change, explore, and grow; they walk with you along your journey and love and support you.

I believe that the love and support that you have shown makes you an exceptionally rare friend, and I am thankful that you are a part of my life. I want you to continue to walk with me as I continue to grow, and so it’s time I tell you something.

Who I Am

Last year I spent some time doing “Man School” with my little brother, which is where I showed him some important life skills like how to tie a tie, mow a yard, shave, etc. Doing this was lovely, and I enjoyed getting closer to him.

However, there ended up being an unintended achievement with Man School: I spent time thinking about what “masculinity” and “femininity” actually are. These are concepts I had never properly taken the time to sit down with and understand them and how they relate to me.

I did some googling regarding questions like “What does it mean to be a man?”, and found answers like strength, honor, respect, etc. However, I found these answers unsatisfactory, because I think women also exhibit these traits. The more I tried to define it, the more I found that masculinity is really just whatever you think it is.

While I think those former qualities are present in masculinity, I also see a lot of masculinity also being based around “bro culture”; sports, cars, guns, berating others, etc. I have never Identified with these, and so to a large degree I haven’t identified with masculinity and have always struggled to fit in with other men.

The answer then was, “Do I feel a connection to femininity?”, and that answer was again yes and no. Like masculinity, femininity is a somewhat nebulous concept that is difficult to entirely and accurately convey, because it is highly subjective. However, I have always associated femininity with emotional maturity and beauty (art, nature, grooming, etc). These are things that I very much do identify with.

Since I didn’t have an exclusive association to masculinity or femininity, for a time I considered the possibility that I am non-binary. However, after further research and soul searching, I found that the term “genderfluid” more accurately represents me. I love expressing my femininity when I feel closer to it, and I love expressing my masculinity when I feel closer to it. Since I was Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB), and was expected to exhibit nothing but masculinity in the ways I dressed and behaved for much of my life, I have been thrilled to explore my feminine side while feeling more comfortable in my masculinity the last several months.

Anxieties that I have

I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I don’t feel physically safe here in Idaho because I am not safe here. Last year, one of the 2 people killed in the shooting at the mall was a transgender woman. On 03/08/22 the Idaho House passed a bill (HB 675) which amends the prohibition on Female Genital Mutilation and repurposes it to prevent any child getting any sort of medical help with transitioning genders, even if you take the kid out of state for treatment. The punishment for parents who get their kid medical help is life in jail.

This sort of normalized bigotry and hatred puts me in a very real state of danger every time I leave my house (or even interact with some of my family members). Because of that, when I am out in public, I always try my best to present as masculine as I can, even if I don’t feel strongly about masculinity at that time. However, I fear that even still I may be targeted for not looking “man enough” because of my long hair and possibly smokey-eyes due to eyeliner. I fear that one day I may be hurt or killed because of these subtle hints about who I am that I can’t hide. It sucks not being able to safely express who I am at all times in the place I’ve lived my whole life, but that is my reality in Idaho.

All of this anxiety is one of the chief reasons I have a goal of moving out of Idaho. I want to live in a place where I don’t have to fear for my physical safety. I want to be a loved and valued member of my community for exactly who I am, not who I am expected to be.

On top of that, there are certain social circles that I fear wont understand the journey I am on, and will ostracize me. I fear that I wont be respected quite as much if I am transparent about who I am, even in the communities that I am a part of.

Our Future Interactions

I know that you are a loving, caring, and accepting friend, which is why I felt comfortable enough to tell you this to begin with. However, I also understand that adjustments in perception and habits may take time. I would love to answer any questions you have, because I know that any that you have will come from a place of love and desire to understand.

Additionally, I have started going to some social events in “girl mode”. I love having whichever gender that I am expressing being recognized and affirmed; when I’m in “girl mode” I like being referred to with feminine terminology, and when I’m in “boy mode” I like being referred to with masculine terminology. If you’re unsure, gender-neutral terms are always fine, you can just ask me, or I have a page that I set up to track my own gender statistics! 🙂

I do want to let you know that very few people know that I am genderfluid at this point. I would appreciate you not outing me to others.

I love you very much. Thank you for walking with me along the path of life <3