A recent post gave me the opportunity to talk about how I am viewed as a bisexual in the greater Mormon community. I wanted to talk a bit more about my experience.
Growing up I was never exposed to or talked about queer folks. When it was talked about it was always in a vaguely disagreeing way. I was told that they are misled or confused, and I had no reason not to believe that. I was lead to believe that most gay people were flamboyant. When I was in middle school there were kids that were flamboyantly gay, and they were bullied because of it. I wish I had had the strength to tell my peers to knock it off, but I didn’t. I hope to reach out to those guys and apologize to them for not doing enough once I’ve found the courage to do so. In high school kids were a little more tolerant. Using the word “gay” as a derogatory term was in full swing. It was odd though, because I didn’t view being gay as a derogatory thing. At the time I recognized that they were more off put socially, and assumed it was exclusively because of Prop8. I had a couple friends who were gay, and some of them were Mormon. I thought they were good dudes. I knew the LDS church wouldn’t approve of them being homosexual and in a romantic partnership, but I was cool with them not being LDS. I knew that the LDS caused a lot of stress for them, even if I didn’t know the full extent. When I was 17 I wrote a little essay where I essentially said “let queers love each other and let them have civil unions (but not call it marriage). People seem to dislike queer folks because they don’t know any. If you want the culture to change, be the change you want to see”.
Fast forward a bit: I got married at 18, witnessed the shame of not going on a mission firsthand, was treated as a 2nd class citizen for not having a baby within the first 1.5 years of marriage, and then left the LDS church at 21. Many ex-LDS folks know how reality-warping leaving the LDS church is. To this day it is the most difficult thing I’ve ever done. While my life was turned upside down, I kind of had a “come-to-Jesus” moment over the course of a couple of months. I re-examined every aspect of what my human experience was and what I wanted it to be. I took a good, long, hard look in the mirror and came to terms that I was likely bisexual and non-monogamous. I didn’t realize I am bisexual until I was 21. Growing up LDS allowed me to more-or-less not give men the time of day. In retrospect, there were guys I thought were “just really cool” and “jokingly” said I’d make out with them, but 100% was crushing on them. I would like multiple girls at a time and have the hardest time deciding which I should romantically pursue (but being an awkward bisexual Mormon, none of them ever panned out 😉 )
While I was discovering myself I was soaking up everything Mormon related that I could. I felt like I had rubbed off the shining surface and found the rust underneath. I learned about Oaks’s opinions that queers shouldn’t be in media, I learned about the electrocuting gay mens’ genitals, I learned about the suicides, I learned about all the conference talks. I read it all. This was rather difficult for me when I discovered who I was. I was scared. I couldn’t talk to my family, because they wouldn’t have understood. Most of my friends were exmos who were rather unhealthy party animals or still in the process of leaving the LDS church themselves – ether way, they were straight and weren’t able to provide the guidance I needed. I was left in a place where I wanted to live authentically, but didn’t know how to even begin, let alone how to do so safely. Worries about STDs, healthy queer relationships, and even how to flirt was a complete unknown to me. I’ve done the hard work of growing over the course of years when I didn’t have a blueprint for growth (as straight monogamous folks do). Over time I’ve had a couple girlfriends and boyfriends, sometimes at the same time. I divorced the woman I married at 18 because I wanted to have sex and have a live-in friend. I have been with someone wonderful for several years now andis the light of my world. We got engaged in November.
The beauty of Mormonism is it’s moral relativism. The Restoration Church of Jesus Christ (“The Gay Mormon Church”) accepted LGBT and Community of Christ has followed in their footsteps. I believe that as all of Mormon theology becomes more familiar with the love and fulfilment that a queer experience can bring, the theology will move to come into harmony with it. However, I recognize that all change within the LDS church is done on a generational basis. It takes changing an entire culture to change the theology. I believe that this great and marvelous work towards an inclusion of love is already underway. Millennials are much more likely to be understanding and have a queer friend than their predecessors, and that applies to an even greater degree with Generation Z.
There are some who claim that full marriage equality will never happen in LDS theology because God’s laws never change. In my experience these people rather ignore or are uncomfortable when it is pointed out that the LDS conception of chastity has already changed drastically over the years. We saw a change in definition to chastity with polygamy and interracial marriage. We are going to see something similar with LGBT folks.
I stand by my writings when I was 17; I think a lot of the homophobia in the LDS church simply comes from not being close to a queer person. I don’t “struggle” with homosexual feelings, I enjoy them. I enjoy being bisexual just as much as a straight person enjoys being straight. I have learned and grown so much by accepting that simple truth about myself, far more than I could have if I suppressed that part of myself. I love 2 Nephi 2:25, “Men are that they might have joy”. Its such a simple solution to the question of why we are here, and I have found a lot of joy in being bisexual. I am whole, perfect, and blessed just the way our Heavenly Parents made me. Anyone who says otherwise is using God as a reflection of their own character. I don’t need that negativity in my life; I’m too busy with things that I DO enjoy. Like my fiancé and cute boys 😉