The short:
I am a trans woman. I will be starting hormone replacement therapy within the next month. I still want to be called “Evan”, but would prefer feminine terminology such as “sister-in-law”, “she”, and “her” when I am being referred to.
The long:
Preface
I am of the opinion that human nature is to be constantly changing and growing. After all, we are not the same people we were a day, week, year, or decade ago, because we have grown and changed since then. True friends and family encourage you to continue to change, explore, and grow; they walk with you along your journey and love and support you.
Even though we aren’t the same people we were when we started our journey together, we have always done our best to love and support each other as we’ve grown. I have no doubt that we will continue to do this forever, because this kind of love is an exceptionally rare thing. I am so thankful that you are my family!
I want you to continue to walk with me as I continue to grow, and so it’s time I tell you something that is going on in my life. I have wished I could talk to you about it, but I have struggled to find the right time to tell you for months now.
Exploration of Myself
Last year I spent some time doing “Man School” with my little brother Logan. The core intention was to spend time with him and create some good memories. The subsidiary goal was to help give him some life skills like how to tie a tie, mow a yard, shave, etc. Doing this was lovely, and I enjoyed getting closer to him.
However, there ended up being an unintended outcome with Man School: I spent time thinking about what “masculinity” and “femininity” actually are. These are concepts I had never properly taken the time to sit down with and understand them and how they relate to me, and Man School got me thinking about them.
I did some googling regarding questions like “What does it mean to be a man?”, and found answers like strength, honor, respect, etc. However, I found these answers unsatisfactory, because I think women also exhibit these traits. The more I tried to define it, the more I found that masculinity is really just whatever you think it is.
While I think those former qualities are present in masculinity, I also see a lot of masculinity also being based around “bro culture”; sports, cars, guns, berating others, etc. I have never identified with these, and so to a large degree I haven’t identified with masculinity and have always struggled to fit in with other men.
The answer then was, “Do I feel a connection to femininity?”, and that answer was again yes and no. Like masculinity, femininity is a somewhat nebulous concept that is difficult to entirely and accurately convey, because it is highly subjective. However, I have always associated femininity with emotional maturity and beauty (art, nature, grooming, etc). These are things that I very much do identify with. However, I have always felt as if I was never allowed to explore my femininity.
Since I didn’t have an exclusive association to masculinity or femininity, for a time I considered the possibility that I am non-binary (meaning I was neither male or female). However, after further research and soul searching, I found that the term “genderfluid” more accurately represented me, because I felt like I floated between male and female depending how I was feeling.
Since I was Assigned Male At Birth (AMAB) I was expected to exhibit nothing but masculinity in the ways I dressed and behaved for much of my life. However, in the last year or so I have loved to exploring and expressing my feminine side. Here are some of my favorite pictures that I have taken on this journey.
Over the last couple of months I have felt more and more comfortable in my femininity, and I have found myself enjoying “girl mode” more than “boy mode”. In girl mode I put more effort into how I look and I generally feel better and happier. Boy mode started feeling more like a socially acceptable mask that I feel compelled to wear every once in a while, mostly around family.
One of the first reactions I had when I heard that my Grandpa was passing was feeling like I could now allow myself to determine if masculinity still needs to play any sort of role in my life. Unbeknownst to me, I felt like having my Dad and Grandpa in my life had been preventing me from fully embracing my femininity; I had implicit expectations to live up to.
I have done the soul searching and have come to the conclusion that I simply don’t have as much of a connection to masculinity as I do to femininity, and I feel more like myself when I am feminine. I plan on starting HRT (“Hormone Replacement Therapy”), which will feminize my body by taking estrogen (essentially undergoing a 2nd puberty).
In short, I am a transgender woman.
Anxieties that I have
I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I don’t feel physically safe here in Idaho because I am not safe here. One of the 2 people killed in the shooting at the mall in 2021 was a transgender woman. On 03/08/22 the Idaho House passed a bill (HB 675) which amends the prohibition on Female Genital Mutilation and repurposes it to prevent any child getting any sort of medical help with transitioning genders, even if you take the kid out of state for treatment. The punishment for parents who get their kid medical help is life in jail.
While that horrific law didn’t get passed, this sort of normalized bigotry and hatred puts me in a very real state of danger every time I leave my house. When I am out in public I often fear that I may be targeted. I fear that one day I may be hurt or killed because of who I am. It sucks not being able to safely express who I am at all times in the place I’ve lived my whole life, but that is my reality in Idaho.
All of this anxiety is one of the chief reasons I have a goal of moving out of Idaho. I want to live in a place where I don’t have to fear for my physical safety. I want to be a loved and valued member of my community for exactly who I am, not who I am expected to be. I feel this is vastly more realistic in Oregon.
Our Future Interactions
I love having my femininity being recognized and affirmed, and would like to be referred to as “Sister”, “She”, and “Her” from now on. However, I also understand that adjustments in perception and habits may take time.
Speaking of names, I do also want to let you know that I am keeping “Evan” as my name. I really like it, feel that it suits me, and I also think it is a beautiful name for a woman.
I know that you are a loving, caring, and accepting member of my family, which is why I felt comfortable enough to tell you this to begin with. I would love to answer any questions you have, because I know that any that you have will come from a place of love and a desire to understand.
I do want to let you know that Coralee, Vivi, Reed, and all of the roommates already know. At this point I have told just about everyone in my life, and so you can tell anyone if/when it comes up.
I love you very much! Thank you for walking with me along the path of life <3