The short:
I am a trans woman. I still want to be called “Evan”, but please refer to me as “sister”, “ma’am”, “she”, and “her” moving forward.
I understand that adjustments in perception and habits may take time, and I know that this may be a particularly difficult adjustment for you. I want to let you know that I am the same cousin you’ve always had, and I love you like a brother. I would love to answer any questions you have, because I want to continue having a relationship with you
The long:
Preface
I am of the opinion that human nature is to be constantly changing and growing. After all, we are not the same people we were a day, week, year, or decade ago, because we have grown and changed since then. True friends and family encourage you to continue to change, explore, and grow; they walk with you along your journey and love and support you.
Even though we aren’t the same people we were when we started our journey together and we have not always seen eye-to-eye on different things, we have always done our best to love and support each other as we’ve grown. I hope we continue to do so for the rest of our lives, because we are family and I love you!
I want you to continue to walk with me as I continue to grow, and so it’s time I tell you something that is going on in my life. I have wished I could talk to you about it, but I have struggled to find the right time to tell you for months now.
Exploration of Myself
A couple years ago I spent some time doing “Man School” with Logan. The core intention was to spend time with him and create some good memories. The subsidiary goal was to help give him some life skills like how to tie a tie, mow a yard, shave, etc. Doing this was lovely, and I enjoyed getting closer to him.
However, there ended up being an unintended outcome with Man School: I spent time thinking about what “masculinity” and “femininity” actually are. These are concepts I had never properly taken the time to sit down with and understand them and how they relate to me, and Man School got me thinking about them.
I did some googling regarding questions like “What does it mean to be a man?”, and found answers like strength, honor, respect, etc. However, I found these answers unsatisfactory, because I think women also exhibit these traits. The more I tried to define it, the more I found that masculinity is really just whatever you think it is.
While I think those former qualities are present in masculinity, I also see a lot of masculinity also being based around “bro culture”; sports, cars, guns, berating others, etc. I have never identified with these, and so to a large degree I haven’t identified with masculinity and have always struggled to fit in with other men.
The answer then was, “Do I feel a connection to femininity?”. That question was again complicated, because it is a concept that is nebulous and subjective, making it hard to accurately define and convey. However, I have always associated femininity with emotional maturity and beauty (art, nature, etc). These are things that I very much do identify with. However, I have always felt as if I was never allowed to explore my femininity.
I have spent thousands of hours the last couple years doing some intense soul searching and have come to the conclusion that I simply don’t have as much of a connection to masculinity as I do to femininity, and I feel more like myself when I am feminine. To continue on this journey, I started Hormone Replacement Therapy (“HRT”) back in January, which helps feminize my body. I have never felt happier than I have the last several months.
In short, I am a transgender woman.
Here are some of my favorite pictures that I have taken on this journey:
Anxieties that I have
I’m not going to sugarcoat it; I don’t feel physically safe here in Idaho because I am not safe here. One of the 2 people killed in the shooting at the mall in 2021 was a transgender woman. Just this past week 2 laws were passed which stripped transgender people of their rights in Idaho.
This sort of normalized bigotry and hatred puts me in a very real state of danger every time I leave my house. When I am out in public I often fear that I may be targeted. I fear that one day I may be hurt or killed because of who I am. It sucks not being able to safely express who I am at all times in the place I’ve lived my whole life, but that is my reality in Idaho.
All of this anxiety is one of the chief reasons I have a goal of moving out of Idaho. I want to live in a place where I don’t have to fear for my physical safety. I want to be a loved and valued member of my community for exactly who I am, not who I am expected to be. I feel this is vastly more realistic in Oregon.
Our Future Interactions
I love having my femininity being recognized and affirmed, and would like to be referred to as “Sister”, “Ma’am”, “She”, and “Her” from now on. However, I am keeping my name “Evan”, because I really like it, feel it suits me, and think its a beautiful name for a woman.
However, I also understand that adjustments in perception and habits may take time. I know that this may be a particularly difficult adjustment for you. I want to let you know that I am the same cousin you’ve always had, and I love you like a brother. I would love to answer any questions you have, because I want to continue having a relationship with you.
I love you very much! Thank you for walking with me along the path of life <3