Like Blaire, I often have people tell me that my Mormonism and my Queerness are incompatible. I have found that this perplexion is founded upon a couple assumptions:
1. Ignorance of LDS Church’s Queerphobia
Some people assume I am unaware of the LDS Church’s history of queerphobia. This shows that they are not familiar with my story, as I am quite intimately familiar with their history.
I left the LDS church on February 6th, 2015, and watched the global fallout from the 2015 November Policy of Exclusion. I watched thousands of people became filled with pain, rage, betrayal, disillusion, and confusion. I myself formally resigned during a mass resignation event in protest of that policy.
I watched as “On The Record” documented every instance of Queerphobia. I watched as Jeffery R. Holland called for “musket fire“. I watched transgender people be denied their medical care at BYU. I watched the BYU “Y” be lit up as a rainbow in solidarity with Queer students. I watched countless people degrade me as well as my Queer family and friends.
I. Am. Well. Aware. Nevertheless, my Mormonism remains a part of me.
2. Definition of “Mormon”
Many people assume that my Mormonism is synonymous with being a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. While I did grow up in that church, I have not been a member of it in nearly a decade.
Mormonism is about more than being a part of the LDS Church. I believe there is a cultural or even ethnic part of Mormonism. My family joined Mormonism in the mid-1830s and has been a part of it ever since – even crossing the Rocky Mountains for Mormonism. My family were polygamists, and I often say that if a Mormon has polygamy in their past, its not “ARE we related?” its “HOW are we related?” because of how Mormon families are incredibly intertwined with one another’s. Additionally, I grew up with certain songs, shows, movies, stories, jokes, clothing, foods, homelands, legends, customs, and language which makes me rather unique. None of this goes away just because you leave one institutional church; I am culturally/ethnically Mormon.
While the LDS church is the largest Mormon church, there are far, far more Mormon churches than anyone realizes. I have now joined 2 within my lifetime, but both have fallen short of expectations and today I am an “Independent Mormon”. My spiritual beliefs draw from several branches of the Restoration, such as the Brighamites, the Strangites, the Josephites, and the Reform Mormons. I subscribe to the Smith-Entheogen Theory, the Eve-Goddess/Adam-God Doctrine, Multiple Mortal Probations Doctrine, apotheosis (exaltation; becoming a goddess/god/deity), and have my own Endowment ceremony that I perform by myself and with friends. Its a beautiful blend that makes me quite happy, fulfilled, and brings me closer to the Divine.
To reduce who owns the label “Mormon” down to the LDS church shows a lack of knowledge regarding the nuances of the Mormon identity. A vast array of Mormons have and do use the term “Mormon”. In fact, the motto of Sunstone – an inter-Restoration organization – is “More than One Way to Mormon”.
I realize I am not the stereotypical Mormon. I realize I am not the stereotypical Queer. Nevertheless, both my Queerness and Mormonness are both a large part of my identity and how I understand and interact with the world. I have struggled with both parts of these parts of my identity for years, but I feel like I have arrived at a place of peace with them. I am both extremely Queer and extremely Mormon – arguably the most Queer and most Mormon person most people will meet… that is unless you ever meet Blaire Ostler.
To say that one or both of these parts do not belong together shows an ignorance about what both of these mean and look like to me. A persistence in disparaging one or both of these parts of me shows a lack to truly know and love me for who I am. For those I love, this persistence particularly hurts.
I urge you to put biases aside so that I, and people like me, can tell you who they are.